EmanCPAtion
Whirlwind.
If anyone asked me for a word to
describe how the past year had been, that would be the perfect word. The past
year has been a whirlwind of paranoia and excitement. Things have been hazy,
like everything’s a blur. Or like someone has gotten ahold of an awful lot of
ingredients and tossed it all on the pan and let them to cook themselves.
A lot of things happened in the past
year that even I have trouble tracking it down. There was graduation, review,
board exam, employment and finally, audit. In a short span of time, I went from
unemployed to employed to contemplating whether to shift gears or not. There
was a lot going on that I can’t help but feel that everything’s in a fast
forward mode—that I am looking into somebody else’s life through my laptop
screen with the video playing at twice the normal speed. I feel like whatever
little control I had over my life went spinning out of my hands.
It was nice for a while. The change
is welcoming. It was a break from my pretty much predictable life. I was
earning for myself, though my salary isn’t as nice as I dreamt it would be. My
parents finally had one less mouth to feed. And there’s freedom— the much
awaited freedom. Yeah it sure is nice to be finally free. The type of freedom we all have been dreaming
of ever since we were old enough to think for ourselves and complain why our
parents have to be goddamn controlling and protective. Oh you know, the type of
freedom where no one would bother you if you kept your things lying in piles
all around your bedroom or when you need not inform anybody that you’d be home
late or where no one would tell you to move your ass or else you won’t have a
nice future ahead of you. Well, you are now living that future and quite
frankly, it isn’t as bright as they’ve all promised you, even if you poured
your goddamn best into it. The future ahead doesn’t seem promising and I found
myself wishing I could go back in the past.
As I am scavenging my thoughts
inside my messy head, I am reminded of the quote someone posted in our area
saying ‘work without love is slavery,’ quoting Mother Theresa and yet another
one saying ‘make your passion your profession’. The first time I saw that I was
instantly hit. It’s like finding a treasure buried in deep shit. So maybe auditing
isn’t my passion. This is what I get for plunging into accountancy without
knowing what it really is about. I feel like I was enslaved more than I would
like to admit. The thought of finally having an account after a month of doing
nonsense in the office was a mix of happiness and pressure. After that I
remember the lows more than the highs. Sure, it was nice to meet new people who
I never thought I would be friends with. Spending the busy season with them
made it more bearable. But the rest of the time, I had to juggle dealing with
the client, demands from my senior (or the lack thereof) and finishing the
work. I’ve been very vocal about throwing in the towel. There are even
countless times when I think of snapping, of ditching my work. I have always doubted
myself before. For some it might come across as false humility but seriously,
what the fuck do they know about me? The time I spent in the firm made me doubt
myself like never before. All warning signals inside my head tell me that this
isn’t something I want to do for the rest of my life. And for someone as
indecisive as I am, that really calls for an emergency. I’ve never felt more
stupid and useless in my entire life. I’ve never had to do things against my
will, almost all the time. Sure, the overtime was needed. But working overtime
for no pay all the time is just way behind justifiable. Its feels like I’m on a
pro-bono case, on some charity work. And it feels like all my efforts are just
in vain. Maybe it was the feeling that you’re not appreciated at all that
bothers me. Or perhaps it was the fact that for the past months I didn’t feel
like I have a life outside of work.
So maybe living on your own isn’t as
great as it seems. There are days when I feel like crawling in bed wishing when
I wake up I’m a grade school kid again, falling in love for the first time.
Most days I wish I could relive my high school days and stop praying for the
time I would be in college, finally away from my parents. I wished I was more
adventurous back then, more carefree. I wish my concept of night out wasn’t
having a desert and coffee. I wish I took more photographs, kept more memories
of happy days to help me last through the bad ones. I wish I spent more time
with people instead of my laptop and books. I wish I lived in the moment
instead of worrying about the future. I wish I never wished to grow up so soon.
