This is What I Learned from Loving You
Love
is that feeling of butterflies flying carelessly inside your stomach
Instead
of the three bites of pancake and hot chocolate you had for breakfast
But
mine feels more like my insides are being ripped apart by thunder and lightning
Like
I’m a growing forest wildfire every time you plant a kiss in my forehead
Or a
silent storm brewing in the horizon
Slowly
gathering winds and water vapor to unleash a catastrophe
Do
you know that a knife is halfway through my chest?
And
the nights you say her name in your sleep
Only
creates an even more puddle of blood?
I
realized in between the bottles of whiskey, cheesecakes and unfinished poetries
That
I will never hear my name sound as magical as when you say hers.
I
grew up with the tales of Shakespearean tragedies for bedtime stories
Forever
is a vomit flavored jelly bean wrapped in glittering gold and blue
Happy
ever after means waking up next to you
After
spending the night counting the seconds you were with her
How
long was it again?
I
was at nine thousand two hundred eighty three
Then
I’d purposely lose track of time just so I could begin the countdown again
I’ve
counted shooting stars for every freckle on your back
And
kissed every dandelion before making my wish
Hoping
the gods of nature will be kind enough
To
grant me as many a forever with you as the pollens there are
Am I
asking for too much of a miracle?
When
all I ever wanted was for you to be mine?
Love
is handing you a burning wrought iron to engrave my heart with
And
trusting you to hold me instead like a diamond
Love
is granting you permission to the farthest corner of my soul
Where
I’d concealed the parts of me the world refused to accept
Love
is holding your hand while you hold hers tightly
Love
is looking at your back as you desperately rush to her aide
While
I stifle the overpowering chaos inside of me
Because
you said that I was a battle-hardened warrior
That
I would survive an avalanche of goodbyes and two second stares.
Darling,
this is what I learned from loving you —
I
love you is meant as a suicide note.
