Nothing But Squiggles

Sablay has always been synonymous to failure, except in UP. Sablay in UP always meant success after four, five or even more years of learning in and out of the grounds of the university. Sablay embodies the sleepless nights cramming for papers and exams, completing requirements barely in the nick of time, all the pressures, fears, and happiness of our college life, and the victory over teachers who are very generous or to those who gave students a ‘life threatening and changing’ experience. Most of all, sablay represents our triumph in pursuit of honor and excellence, as a student, an individual, a child, an iskolar ng bayan.

Graduation is a poignant event in every student’s life. It marks the end of years of journey with some of the most wonderful people we’ll ever meet in our entire lives and the beginning of a new chapter in our lives. It feels like it was just yesterday when were playing with our toys, started saying hellos to strangers who eventually became our very best friends, fell in and out of love. From this day forward, we will be playing with our destinies instead of robots and dolls, making decisions far more important than just what game to play. We will be standing on our own, earning for our own, living for our own and UP has prepared us for that.

I am proud to say that I made it out alive, after five years. I nearly got kicked out of the program in my third year, had an incomplete in PE (of all subjects), and almost had to retake a subject in my last semester in college because of a stupid mistake which would have delayed me for another year. Graduating with latin honors was the last thing on my mind when I set foot in UP. It was more like an icing on the cake for me. When I entered UP, I had no idea what my course was all about except that people kept telling me that accountancy are for people who love math.  All I wanted was to get away from home and feel a little freer from the scrutiny and pressure of my parents. Passing UPCAT provided me that escape. I was feeling a little confident about myself considering that I was our class salutatorian in high school and then I realized, everyone in UP is about the same as I am, or even better. I entered the lion’s den without even knowing where I was headed to and running will only make it worse, so why not face the lion?

I dedicate this big feat of mine to my family, most especially to my father who I would have wanted so badly to award me that medal for being a laude but was not able to attend my graduation. I wouldn’t have come this far without your guidance and support. I hope this enough to compensate for all that you have given me. I terribly apologize for not being the perfect daughter that you would have wanted and for not completing my PE in time which was the reason why my grades won’t be credited as university and college scholars.

I also thank Sir Tope for letting me stay in the program and for believing in me and giving me a second chance. I won’t be able to prove to you that I was worthy of the second chance unless I pass the board exam so I will postpone sending you a letter of gratitude in the meantime. J

To all the teachers who imparted their knowledge to us, who pressured and terrorized us, who pushed us to be multitaskers and crammers, and who helped shaped who we are today, thank you.

To Scions 09, thank you for all the wonderful memories. This isn’t goodbye. We will all be seeing each other in the review and workplace so I don’t think I need to be sentimental today. Haha. Seriously though, you made the ride worthwhile and the burden a lot easier. I am honoured to belong to the best batch.

To the people who believed in me, your faith in me has pushed me to try a bit harder. Thank you!

And to the Almighty Father who patiently listened to my requests and complaints, who have given me more blessings that I deserve, and who stayed by my side even when I’ve been such an ungrateful child, I am nothing without you. I’ve got a long list of promises to you and I hope I can start fulfilling those.

Well, I guess this is the end of my college life. Another challenge awaits me – the CPA board exam. I hope and pray that we will be the first batch to have a 100% passing percentage.

2009-39693 is now signing off. Ako ngayo’y hayayo na upang itanghal ang giting at tapang ng isang Iskolar ng Bayan.

So I said sorry when I wasn’t the one at fault. I carried half of Atlas’ burden despite not being one of his acquaintances. And I let her have you even when you gave me the authority to own you.

Oftentimes I forgot that I can’t swim when I’m halfway free falling after jumping off a cliff. My survival instincts are buried deep down in my spoilt brain that I often take all the damage when I could have saved myself from all those scars.  That thing stuck inside my ribs that keeps me alive has taken all the critical hits that I doubt if I would ever live long enough to tell the difference between fight and flight.

I was this flimsy little girl you met when you were walking along the coast hoping a bottled message would wash ashore. I never really got to know the reason why you were looking for one because every time I asked you, you would tell me that you already found what you were looking for and make me taste your love through my lips.

You healed my wounds with your words and melodies, made me feel whole every time I feel my heart is being ripped out of my chest. You shine so bright whenever you are around that sometimes I need to close my eyes and be contented with just listening to your slow breathing. Perhaps that was the reason why you went on that little adventure of yours.

So I said sorry even when I got cheated on. Said I’m sorry when I shouldn’t be the one apologizing. And I said sorry for letting you go, even when I needed you so much that I could have died when you heeded my command. But then, she needs you more, her and that growing creature taking shelter inside her belly. So I said sorry for not fighting for you, for us. I said sorry for lacking the strength for another war because I wasted all I had over twaddle battles.  I said sorry because I can’t be selfish. And so I whispered my apologies for letting the fool in me take control and let go of the only reason I have to wake up every sunrise, to believe that there exist one person perfectly carved to fit the hollow spaces in our souls.  

You spent hours time and time again painting your lips red and dyeing your cheeks pink. You mask your blue eyes believing that it is an anomaly in a sea of black irises. The universe never had a chance to see you in your simplest form for you have kept it prisoner in the musty corners of your dimly lit bedroom.

When you were eight, you loved wearing loose shirts, jeans and snickers. You play and never mind that you got your favourite blue rubber shoes dirty or that you are a walking mess. You thought, even with all those dirt, that you are pretty. You are. Still is.

A knife is buried under your pillow. You got tired counting how many times it has kissed your pale skin or the litters of blood you could have used to save the life of some random stranger. You curse those scars in your wrist for they remind you of your failed attempts at eternal rest. You hate yourself for being so ordinary, when in actuality you are a limited edition.

You are beautiful and you need not beg for him to tell you that you are. You have always been exquisite but you let others think that you are some nuisance, a burden the world needs to get rid of. My dearest, you are no scrap, not even a by product of something more majestic. You are pretty just as you are, even with the flaws you try so badly to conceal. You are an artwork deserving to be an exhibit’s pride and joy. You are God’s masterpiece. Never for once doubt that.